Another coughing, shaking fit in the bathroom, that is spinning.

This is why I never graduated.

2009-12-01T00:42:21Z

I always got bored with school. It was never because I wasn't smart enough or because people were rude to me. It was because I wasn't challenged and boredom set in. I dont have that excitement for school that I had in the beginning, where I hated the weekends looked forward to going every day.

Now I'm just so irritated every moment I'm sitting in class. So mad.

UGH...

I feel like I already have and have HAD this mentality for university. I'm just wondering why I'm not already there yet and now I know why. Because I don't have patience. I need to have patience to sit through this mess.

hellodade @ 2009-11-24T18:07:00

2009-11-25T00:07:58Z

I wish...

2009-11-19T21:01:38Z

I was smarter and had a better memory as a kid. that way, I knew which questions to ask and what things to learn and keep in my head. I would have known to ask my gradparents about their health and be more pushy to meet my dads side of the family. I wish I cared more back then to get to know them while they were still alive. Now that I'm older I feel like I have so many questions.

I want your horror. I want your design.

2009-11-11T00:43:33Z

I've just been thinking lately. How nice it would be to have my own place to come home to. I lived on my own last year for the first time, and I didn't like it one bit. First of all, the place was so huge and scary and it cost alot just to keep the electricty going a month. It really was a scary place to live in. For instance. There's the huge entrance door that creaks really loudly and its really obvious when someone enters, so if someone comes inside I know because the door would creek. Well, one night I came home really late, like 3 in the morning. I stumbled in, and lied face down on my bed. I didn't really feel like sleeping yet, so I took out my notepad and started writing down things I had to do the next day. At the corner of my eye, I seen this thing kind of just scurry about and so I turned my head towards the bedroom door and you know that space under the door? Where you can see a bit of light from outside the door... I seen a shadow of someone standing there. My heart immediately started racing because for one thing. I did not hear my big door creek so that means no one entered. There isn't really anyone there. But I still seen their silohette standing there. And after I gathered the fact that there wasn't an entry in my house, two seconds later, the shadows start pacing back and forth. And this continued on all night and I never took my eyes off it once. I just laid there clutching my notepad, wide eyed, staring at those shadows. And on top of this pacing shadow, there was a very light tapping on my bedroom door. Like they were knocking.
You think it would only be freaky if I was home by myself, especially at night? Wrong. Another instance was when a friend of mine and I got back to my place in the morning, I'd say about 7:30. The sun was out and light filled the place. So we got into my room on the bed and were about to fall asleep when all of a sudden I hear this muffled groan of some kind. I look up and ask my friend if she heard that. Shes like "Yeah. Is there someone that lives downstairs....?" We listen again and its this man who sounds kind of like he's in pain and he's asking for help or something. There isnt anything downstairs but the washer and dryer. We got up to check and there was nothing.

hellodade @ 2009-11-09T18:52:00

2009-11-10T01:00:15Z

I usually hate being late for anything, appointments and school and such. I was late for school today but that was planned for about a week because I had an appointment today. It feels kind of wierd coming in after class starts. Like, different. Because everyone knows something I don't. What was said in the beginning. And I'm walking around, blind. And that usually leads me to feel like I shouldn't have come in after my appointment. Just took the entire day off to do whatever I want. School is getting duller and duller each week. My brain isn't being challenged. Yet.

I have another appointment this thursday. I never had a GP before, and I'm 23 now so... I'm told its a good idea to have a GP. The thing is, I don't really know what to expect. They asked if I ever had a physical before and I'm like "No..." So I'm guessing there going to do blood tests and check my bones and joints and see if I'm healthy? Yeah, I'll find out soon enough...

I'm pretty stoked about this wednesday. Being that it is Remembrance Day and there are no classes.

School

2009-10-19T23:35:43Z

School is going really well right now. I'm not behind in anything whatsoever. Infact, I went beyond that and did extra because most of the time I'm sitting there with nothing to do. Anyway. Me and this girl in my class were talking about taking extra courses with another school next semester. I'm thinking that it's gonna be a good idea and it'll pay off. See, I say that now but when it comes time to it, will it work? I'm going to go ahead and apply with her for those evening classes and when it starts I'll see if I can manage and go from there.

I'm already in school until June.. 9AM to 3:30PM Monday to Friday. And the courses I'm going to take run from 6:30PM-9:30PM Monday to Thursday. So, I think I can handle the extra work load. We'll see.

I've been looking for a good GP for the past couple of years now, off and on I'll really put in effort without success. So I called my brothers GP and made an appointment with him, but thats not until November. Ah, well. I'll wait longer for a good doctor any way.

I need new icons now.

Hmm.

2009-10-18T20:37:45Z

I logged in.

And forgot what I was gonna say.

You're only making it worse by looking me in the eye

2009-10-16T00:53:19Z

Oh, shit. Ma. You had no idea how close I was to delivering my letter. I stood in the doorway, tears in my eyes. As you asked me where I was going... I planned on going for a walk after I gave you the letter to give you time to react. But I couldn't. I just looked you in the eyes and knew that now isn't the time. My heart raced. My heart ached. And I left, letter still in my hand. And walked. I just kept walking.

Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder. Is there a spell that I'am under keeping me from seeing the real

2009-10-06T22:19:18Z

Times with the younger is still a challenge for me. But I'm keeping in mind that she's still legally a child and she isn't my mature equal. Oh, but. It's so easy to forget when you're that frustrated. It's hard work that will always be there until we die.

Anyway.

School is going good, still. We got our attendance reports back on monday and I've missed 1.5 days in September which is alright to start the year off. But from now on, I want to make an effort to never miss again. I know thats a pretty high goal to aim for because theres things that might come up that I'm not prepared for. I think I might have ruined my chances of ever getting that extra certificate they hand out at school for perfect attendance. Ah, well. It's alright.

I'm also still in a tight spot with finances. Because I'm not getting an income, it's a bit hard and frustrating because I can't just walk up to a store and buy whatever I want or NEED. And I have to smoke sparingly sometimes lol. The good thing is I got my 'Ma to look out for me.

I'm in desperate need of an evening+weeked job. But the question is. Am I willing to let go of all my precious free time...

Shit. I wonder.

Little sister

2009-10-01T00:34:19Z

She's a psycho, I'll admit to that. I don't know, man. She was getting annoying, even though she was in the other room and I'm like, fuck. Okay. Can you turn your music down? Few seconds pass. She says, Can I have my hat back? Uhh, no. Why would she want it any way it does not by any means suit her at all. It's a mans hat. So. I say no. She walks up to me and tries to grab it off my head, I push her hand away. And then she flinches and turns into a total psycho. The entire time she has this eerie as fuck smile on her face and I'm getting even more mad. Bitch just step out of the way, alright? I'm tryin' to watch TV, here 'kay? And she says;

I want you to hurt me so bad. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
Throw me against the wall
Make me bleed

I obviously didn't do anything to her.

But. Fuck man. She's got some isssues. I feel bad for her but she can get annoying real quick. So I'm gonna stay away and ignore her. I gave her the hat back, well.. I left it on the table when I left this morning. But it's not about the hat. The principle is that she is losing her mind or something. Very, very self-destructive. And there's not a thing I can do. I care, of course. But what the fuck do I if she keeps joking about suicide and shit.

I know she only does it for the attention of our dear mother.

Growing younger.

2009-09-25T01:40:18Z

I'm turning 23 in a week. I don't feel this old. I feel just like I always did.

Shit. I failed.

2009-09-22T21:53:33Z

I don't know why. But everytime I let my emotions get the best of me (rarely EVER) I always feel really like, ashamed and gross that I cried in front of someone.
It's almost like I pissed my pants in front of everyone but I didnt. I just cried.
WTF ! GROSS !
Did I mention that it's sheild week? Well, it is. It started on monday and it ends this thursday. We got 30+ students, we're told to make a shield, present it one at a time on the span of four days and tell our life story. We're given a time frame of a minimum of 30 minutes, 45 max. Making the shield was a piece of cake, just presenting it took alot out of me. I know its supposed to be confidential so I wont talk about anyone else but myself. So. I did a shitty job. I failed myself. I was up for maybe 5, maybe 10 minutes before I called it quits and said "thats it" I'm done. But I wasn't. I just didnt want to continue with any other details of my life because I KNEW if I did that would be the end of me. I would sob and sob. And never stop. Well, after I was done. It took me a few minutes to realise I cheated myself out of giving people a chance to get to know me and thats what made me fall apart. That and just.. being weak. Not strong enough to face all of the bad shit I've faced. It's all still inside me and its trying to make its way out but I wont let it.

Ever.

I'll take this pain and heartache with me to the grave.

Tiny tintinnabulations ringing in my head.

2009-09-16T23:43:31Z

Fuckfuckfuck. I'm beginning to realise how much not having any money is sucking. School is fantastic. But I'm broke 90 perfect of the time. One of the things we fight about is how I don't have my own room let alone my own apartment. She seems to rub that in my face when ever she gets the chance. Fuck you, 'kay?

At this point in my life, I'm doing well in school. I'm comfortable there and so far I've done the work before it's even due and I'm going beyond whats expected. I've only been late twice and it was because of traffic. But I made it there every single day these past two weeks (and a half) And I'm not going to let myself quit this amazing thing I have going on in my life just so I can have a few extra bucks working a shitty 40 hour minimum wage job.

I'm staying in school. Even if that means still having to crash on my moms couch for the next 200+ days until graduation.

I kind of wish I'd just get sponsored already. Because I'm such a good kid.

I NEED SMOKES </3

Well, I wouldn't want to burden you. Or anything.

2009-09-15T22:48:55Z

I woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be the day I spill my guts to my Mom. After school or after supper. So she picks me up from school and as we're getting out of the car to go in the house my younger sister comes up and I see that she's wearing my glasses. SO I freak out because they're mine and she's always taking my stuff without asking. Her obvious reaction is in her most dramatic fashion and things from there escalate and she ends up slamming her bedroom door and then theres tension in the house.

Theres the first thing throwing me off my game.

So then my sister is still being bratty, this time its towards my Mom. And now shes in such a bad mood that I don't even really bother talking to her. Ugghhh! There just seems like theres never going to the the perfect day for me. I can't just set a date for myself because shit could go wrong that I don't even plan for.

Mother fucker. Why can't life be scripted?

Anyway. The other thing is my Mom gets a call from her husband (he lives somewhere else) and she gets "confronted" on why she didn't pick up her phone the first 50 times he phoned? Uhh... 'cause it was off? Why's he phoning her that many times in the first place? Stalker.

I'm just ranting now. Well, the whole point is my Mom's life is so hectic with work and shitty dealings with my little sister and her husband. The last thing I want to do, as responsible as I'am, is burden her with my problem. I just want to get it over with and TELL HER SOON. So I don't have to go about my life in secret.

I want to start my life as soon as possible and the only way I can do that is if my Mom knows. Then everyone else can know. It doesn't really have to be like that but I want it to be. I respect my Mom enough to want to be honest and include her in my life to do anything drastic.

hello fascination

2009-09-14T21:15:20Z

I'm so glad I decided to go back to school. I applied about a month ago, and it was kind like a last minute thing. I'm living with my Ma' right now, and I wasn't working. So I had the option of getting a job or going back to school. Best decision I've made. School is the best. It's the first time in my life where I look forward to going to school every day, and I havent missed a single day. Well, it's only been a couple of weeks and a day. But so far my record is clean. YAY. Plus everyone there is so nice. We had life skills the first two weeks and that was a blast. Tomorrow we start math and english. Hmm.. school work now. This should be good.
Next week is something called Sheild Week. Where you tell your life story. For about 30-45 minutes. Omigosh. Butterflies. I've never been one for public speaking because I stutter alot. But I need this. To over come it. And it will help me in the long run.
The one thing I'm not enjoying too much is not ever having money. Like ever. Smokes are starting to be hard to come by because I'm not getting any income. Fuck. My mom's supporting me hugely. Financially by letting me live with her, and eat there. So... Looks like I'mma have to get a job.

Fame & Riches. Rehab bitches

2009-09-12T19:28:29Z

I really have grown to hate the cable guy. So much that I don't even think getting cable and my phone hooked is possible. And the cable company is always so booked you got to wait two weeks before the cable guy will come and hook you up. BEYOND IRRITATING YO. It's been a month since I signed up for cable and I still got nothing and the guy came over twice. Fuck. And I'm 100% sure they're charging me like 20 bucks each time. Will I go for a third? No thanks man.

Each time they came they had to get into the neighbors yard, and theyre never home. And not only that, they need access to the basement. See, I live in a shitty upper duplex. My downstairs neighbors are never home either. It would be a miracle if I can get both neighbors there at the same time so I can have my phone and TV.
DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

And my downstairs neighbors cat always comes and rubs up against my leg every time I have a smoke outside because our doors are side by side and they let their cat roam around outside for hours. And it like, digs its claws into my skin and tries to jump on me. I'd throw it in the other peoples yard but what if they seen me? I'd get arrested or something. Is there even a law against animal endangerment? Fucking stupid man.

Forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel room, you can bring your girlfriends

2009-09-10T22:48:07Z

Ugh, well.
I spent most of the day out in the woods. Nature. Hot sun. Little bit of wind. Equals sweaty body. And I thought it was going to be cold and rainy today but once again my lack of observation fails me. Anyway.
After about two weeks of school, I think I need to get out and do something this weekend. Though, I'm not sure what I want to do yet. One of the things on the top of my list is DOING SOME LAUNDRY, and going to see a movie. Sounds rad huh. And responsible even. Although.....

I could just throw out the idea and get smashed this weekend.

If not, then next weekend.

Dude

2009-09-09T22:59:54Z

"Hiding your emotions isn't healthy"

I'm always telling this to my friends but when it comes time for me to express emotions... I stop myself. I don't know why but it feels really good to keep things inside and than have this huge nervous breakdown.
I'm joking of course. As much as I like to express myself, for me its hard to actually find someone who wont freak out if you poor your heart out to them and lay down all your problems. Getting things off my chest is pretty hard to do because most of the people I know are pretty judgemental and close-minded.

My biggest obstacle.

2009-09-09T00:24:45Z

I want to be able to be open and honest with my mom. But... I know she wont accept or agree with my decisions and I'm not even sure how she'll react. I'm working up the courage to reveal my big secret to her.

Man, I'm so scared

Really now. How do you tell someone something they don't want to hear?

It's kind of like....
Coming out of the closet, but not?
I dont know.
I gotta think about this

hellodade @ 2009-08-27T13:32:00

2009-08-27T18:33:07Z

Love hurts but sometimes it's a good hurt and it feels like I'm alive.

ReadingReadingReading.

2009-08-26T18:12:49Z

I really do use livejournal, practically every day. But havent updated in months. And the layout.. Ugh.
Time to revamp.

Seamonkies.

Scratch

2009-05-20T23:03:17Z

I walked for miles. And still couldn't get what you said to me out of my head. This is what I get.

Funny, funny coincidences.

2008-09-13T17:07:36Z

One of the girls I made out with last week, the only one who gave me her name, just so happened to be at the same party I went to last night. So this girl, I cant remember her name..my friend was telling me that when I got in she gasped and got really excited and that she thinks she likes me. But that girl left the party early with her friends however she did gave me her number and invited me back the same club we met at last week, and then she left before we shared a madly passionate kiss. Amazing.

Anyway, the party was pretty intense and there were so many people crammed in that apartment. Needless to say, I don't think I'd ever want to go to one of their parties again. If you stay there long enough someone is bound to get in a fight.

Oh, yes. How wonderful. -cough- I'm going to a relatives wedding social tonight, my sister bought tickets so that means I'm definetly going. Ugh. I'm a little apprehensive because I havent seen any of my relatives in years. I really only see my siblings and my mom on a daily basis.

I'm scared

weekend.

2008-09-08T11:25:41Z

There is a first and a last time for everything. Like, making out with 4 different girls you just met and only getting one name and being too intoxicated to remember it. Also. Doing lines of angel dust at the after-party.

My friend said it was heroin and coccain mixed together. And that it will be in my system for awhile.

To my understanding, both of those drugs seperately are highly addictive, am I right? I tried googling it but I always ended up with irrelevant results.

hellodade @ 2008-08-26T17:52:00

2008-08-26T22:55:50Z

I just want to remind myself that nothing lasts forever and for the most part, that can be a very good thing. I've had an unbearable sore throat yesturday and it seems like its starting to slowly go away. I looked up some home remedies that I'm going to try right away.